Thirty-Something Girl, Woman, Mom!: Finding Control over what Controls me

Thirty-Something Girl, Woman, Mom!: Finding Control over what Controls me: "I am not 4 and jumpy. I am not 8 and have learning disabilities. I am not 14 and showing signs of puberty mixed with impulsivity. I am 34, ..."

Finding Control over what Controls me

I am not 4 and jumpy.  I am not 8 and have learning disabilities. I am not 14 and showing signs of puberty mixed with impulsivity. I am 34, not fidgety, don't have major learning disabilities, I'm closer to menopause than puberty, and my worse impulse is that I buy $8 grapes because I didn't read the price-tag slowly enough to realize the madness... still, I have been diagnosed with ADD...

According to thebestcounselingblog.com, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a medical condition that is caused by an imbalance of two important “messengers” in the brain that lead to the symptoms of ADHD in children and adults. About 4% of the entire adult population has ADHD which begins in childhood. ADHD can lead to difficulties with the following:

Focusing on tasks or conversations

Organizing and prioritizing work

Filtering out distractions

Thinking before acting

Completing projects

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I am the lazy-type ADD, I'm missing an H, it's a silent H, it's an invisible H... I am not hyperactive, hence I don't enjoy those bursts of energy in which I can get my house cleaned, run 4 miles, bathe 2 kids, make a full week's worth of dinner, and a fill a calendar with volunteer positions... all within 4 hours. Nope, I didn't get the Hyperactivity trait.  Here's a summary of what I got:

• I got the very fun Distractability (Easily); sometimes I have to read a sentence 2 or 3 times before I realize that I am reading it mindlessly not getting its message (and believe you me, my IQ is perfectly acceptable in the realm of somewhat intelligent).  I jump conversations like a 5 year old playing hop-scotch and then I end up feeling like I didn't finalize the topic. I pick up my cup from the bedroom, to go put it away in the kitchen, and on the way there, I see an envelop with a bill I have to pay, so I waddle over to the computer to pay it and forget about the dirty-cup of coffee; I sit on the computer and my screen's lower corner is flashing with an email from Ms. Phipps and I click on it so I won't forget to check it later. It asks for volunteers for the computer lab, so I have to get up and get my calendar to check my appointments (Calendars, that's a new topic in and of itself!). . . you guessed it, I get up from the computer, having forgotten the cup of coffee, the bill, the email, and now I'm headed towards my purse which is sitting in my car... I HAVE TO WALK THROUGH THE LAUNDRY ROOM... can you imagine what set of distractions I'll bump into while on my way there???  Holy Abscent Minded Me!!  So, you can see the pattern, I've just spent the last 2 hours walking around mindlessly, forgetting to do what I came here to do! Needless to say, at the end of the day, I feel underachieved, unfinished, tired, and my to-do list is only getting longer!
• Trouble Finalizing Tasks:  Mmmhhh... I think you get the point if you re-read the bulletpoint above. Even enjoyable tasks, like painting, reading, learning to play piano are hard to sit through!

• Boredom:  I get bored easily.  All this time, when I go through my bursts of "I MISS EUROPE", "I WANT TO MOVE AGAIN", "I DON'T WANT TO SIT AT HOME ANY MORE", "SHOULD I GET A JOB (GO BACK TO SCHOOL, VOLUNTEER, TAKE TENNIS LESSONS, SIGN UP FOR BELLY DANCING)" hasn't been about not knowing what I like and who I am! Nope!  it's not being a spoiled brat who's not happy with what she has (OK, the first part of the sentence, maybe a little)! It's a glitch in my brain that sends a message after a short period of time demanding excitement and newness.

And the list may go on!  I was initially told I may have ADD when I was 22 and went to the doctor about an unrelated matter;  in the conversation I stated my frustration and difficulty with sitting through my Tuesdays and Thursday lectures (these last 1 hr. and 10 mins.), it was pure torture!  Then I mentioned that I was having a very hard time concentrating to study for exams; do you remember the ceiling at your library?  How those white squares have little punctures all over the place?  I would sit and start counting them, then picturing them into shapes, glaring my eyes in and out of focus on them... all while trying to cram for an Abnormal Psych final (ironic?)!  The doctor suggested a little pill to help me focus, he said he suspected Adult ADD without Hyperactivity... I took the pills but blew-off the diagnosis!
Have you noticed dentists who have horrible teeth?  That's what I thought about back then when the dr. said ADD... me, a psych major, not even giving it a second thought.  Funny thing is, I took the pills and it was like fog lifted from my brain!  I COULD STUDY!!  for hours at a time! Beauty!  But, I graduated, got through exams, quit my pills, never again thought about ADD... that is until a few weeks ago!!
My therapist (YES, I go to a therapist to get my screws tightened up once-in-a-while) was quietly listening to my week-in-one-too-many-words... I jumped around topics, lost focus, she asked a couple of questions about my concentration issues, made me admit that I have a hard time even sitting down to pay my bills (luckily they still always get paid), that I have projects that I started a decade ago, etc. etc. and she swiftly said "Has anyone ever told you to consider you may have ADD?"... "ehem, ah, uh, he... now that you mention it"... "well, yes, someone might have hinted at it about 12 or so years ago, but why do you ask?".

You don't need the specifics of diagnosing it, leave that to the experts. But as I have been reading through a monumental amount of books, papers, articles, journals, and other sources of information (which I hardly ever get through completely), I have come to realize that what has been eating at me is something that is in me!  A particular book I started reading called "Deliver me from Distraction" was like a lightbulb going off in a dark, damp attic.  Every sentence I found myself 'ahaing and mhhing'! I found my niche! I fit a description!  I am not that odd (as much as it pains me to admit)!  And most of all, IT IS NOT MY FAULT!!

IT IS NOT MY FAULT... that:  I don't finish things, that I'm cluttery and chaotic, that I can't sit through 30-minutes worth of nothing, that I forget to pay the bills, that I can't focus, that I seem to not be content with anything more than 2 days! 

Now, this is not an excuse to not want to be better, and find the way to fix some glitches, I clarify that I have always been obsessed with finding ways to make my methods (of filing, administrating, organizing, thinking) more efficient!  But I had never thought thoroughly before about why I wasn't succeeding.  Unfortunately, I attributed to laziness, lack-of-will power, being spoilled, and inability!  The ramifications of this, well you can imagine what those are!

Now, although a long way from living in a more peaceful, ADD-managed, simple way, at least I can start working on chainging those wasteful thoughts that landed me in a pot-hole of less-than-great self esteem! I can find ways to improve and is not as exahusting as it seems! Most of all, I can have some control over what I haven't been able to control for most of my adult life and looking back is no longer an option!

Self-Self-Self

The Sense of Self... the sense of self... what is that? Where does it come from? Do you have a sense of self? Is that a good thing? Is that contagious? Should I check if my insurance covers it? Let's see...
Sense: According to thedictionary.refrence.com, definition #8 states that sense is "a more or less vague perception or impression".
Self: In the same webpage, I found that one of the definitions of self is "a person or thing referred to with respect to complete individuality". So if I put these two together, I get:
"A more or less vague perception or impression... of...a person or thing referred to with respect to complete indiviudality". -Uh huh- I am more or less vague on what I am, want, need, dream of, like, desire, hate, dislike, admire, or aspire to.

In this last summer vacation -although I'm still trying to figure out who exactly was on vacation- I found out that I still want to do something with my life, but I'm 'more ore less vague' on how to get it -studies, carreer. I also rediscovered that I 'more or less vaguely' want to get back to my old interests -holistic, alternative way of living. I also remembered while having a solo-weekend in Austin that it is extremely important to take a few days to your self and 'more or less vaguely' reignite that 'person or thing referred to with respect to complete individuality'!                 
It is a time of emotional upheaval around here. Most of it is positive, just mentally busy trying to figure out what the future, near or far, holds! What is needed to be remembered is that having, discovering, and working on that 'sense of self' -defnition or not- is most important to keep a balanced life.
So here goes, cheers to the end of the crazy summer vacation! Cheers to discoveries and realization! But most of all, cheers to a sense of self!

3x-6>6x+9 = why am I doing this to myself?!

I am a stay-at-home-mom, am I stating the obvious?  I did have somewhat of a brain before pregnancy and parenting robbed any ability to analyze and think and solve problems.  Keyword being: DID!  Like many SAHM, every 4-6 months, I go through what I like to call my "brain is having the itch that you can't scratch" stage!  Meaning, I crave, yearn, eagerly need, desperately seek any and all intellectual stimulation that I can get.  So far, the ten or twelve 'unscratchable itches' had not amounted to anything more than a few job searches coupled with a few dreams of returning to the student life, a second masters, maybe a PhD!

Two weeks ago, however, I surprised myself and signed-up to take the GRE (Graduate Record Examination)! How, you wonder? It all started with a conversation I had with a good friend of mine.  She got fired from her job as a banking executive and suddenly realized that it was her opportunity to get back to the field she has so long loved but had left behind to put commodities and sustenance first!  The next day I was looking at licensing requirements to become a Licenced Professional Counselor!

I've gone through the pain of scrutinizing my own previous education. I've gone through the headache of speaking to the "Career Advisers" at several Online Universities (some of which, and I will avoid names, were no less annoying than many sales ladies from department stores jumping at you the moment you set foot in their store). Imagining what it'd be like to commute 1.5 to 2 hrs on the days that I'd have class in any of the 'brick and mortar' institutions of our lovely Houston (Will I have energy to drive there, let alone pull research papers out my tush on time? Will the kids have to be left in daycare? Can I even afford to be thinking about this?). Will I be accepted at any program? 

Will I EVEN make a decent score in what I think is one of the stupidest, most anti-pedagogic tests in the planet (GRE)... after all, who needs to remember the Pythagorean Theorem or how to solve 3x-6>6x+9 to learn how to diagnose Personality Disorders and Delusional Psychopathologies (All of which, after these last two weeks, I suspect I suffer from)!

Why oh why am I doing this to myself? I suspect I am reaching the end of my tolerance for an existence that is solely about my children, my household, and the general activities of stay-at-home-mommyhood; it's time to move in the direction in which I see myself once the children become independent and I have enough time to wonder why the heck I didn't do something to not forget who I am, other than mommy. Before decades pass and I turn back and can't remember who I am anymore without my kids.  Besides, I really have to take off the shoe that keeps me from scratching, because I can't stand this brain itch any longer!!!!